My Fear... Who I Really Am... My Inner Side...

I have written once...

About my fear of loneliness...

It's coming back again, although not in full force...
But slowly and gradually...

Becos I'm about to start school soon...
This time without any close friends in the same faculty as me...

I have always hated to be alone...
I don't like to be left out, to have no one to talk to, have no company, have no one by my side...

University...

ZW is in business faculty...
YL is in arts and social science...
SDR although in engineering, is still in NS...
The same goes for YZ, who is in science...

Although I have made a few friends in Orientation camps, it couldn't beat the feeling of having someone really close to you, such as your best friends, to start a new phrase with you...

Some more in Engineering Faculty, majority are guys...
Even though I hang around with guys back in JC days, friendship is still hard to forge between the opposite sexes due to differences in interests, experiences, feelings both emotionally and physically...

Try to talk about PMS with guys and see if they sympathise with you...
The same thing goes for guys trying to agrue that NS is worse than PMS...

-_-;

Not to mentioned that I'm slightly different from others...

While girls like to talk about their idols, watch dramas specially targeted at them, listened to the latest chinese pop music, gossiping about the latest mudane issues, agruing over the newest fashion and what-so-ever...

I don't... Well... Not too much anyway...

I don't exactly like to gushed over idols, although I do get crazy once in a while...
And I prefer Westerners e.g: Orlando Bloom, while my friends like Asians e.g: Jay Chou, Edison Chen etc...
They watch and rewatch teenage dramas like Meteor Showers, err... I have no idea what else as I don't give a hoot about such shows...
They go on and on about chinese songs like S.H.E, Fish Leong, Jay Chou, F.I.R and the likes of such, I prefer Britney, Christina, Simple Plan, Linkin Park etc...
They gossip about the latest happenings in school, about what's going on with who and who... Half the time I'm asleep or having question marks written all over my head...
And Fashion?? Forget it, I have my own style...

Thus, me making friends with other girls... That's kinda hard too...

But due to peer pressure, or due to my desire to fit in, I have to learn what's in their world...
But very few of them know what's in mine...

Most of my friends know that I can draw quite well...
But do they know that I can compose poems too??
Do they know that I have an unfinished story left to write??
Do they even realised that I love to take pictures, not of myself, but of what I see around me??
Do they even care what I'm thinking about when I gazed thoughtfully into the sunset, or looking at the rain flowing down onto the steps??
Do they bother to read my blog??

No...

I've told them before, but their reaction was like:
"Oh, ok..."
*roll eyes*
"oh... She's in one of her moods again..."
"Eh.. Haha, you think I know what you are talking about meh?"
"Wah, you so good huh..." *immediately turn her attention elsewhere*
"Orr... Good good... Errmm... Continue to do that hor..."
"Aiyah, I have no idea lar..."
"..."

With reactions like that, do you think I would share what I really am with them??
Or with others??
Thus, I never show them my poems, nor my storyline, nor my most fantastic pictures, nor my thoughts because they just simply do not know, appreciate or care...
Sometimes I ponder, should I give up on what I'm doing?? Because I have neither the time nor the motivation to do what I love to do...
I'm scared of losing what I have, this particular side of me...
And at the same time, I wonder if I'm just wasting my time, doing things which few people would appreciate...
It's been a long long time since I've done anything artistic...

I hope to find someone who is on the same frequency...
Tough...