The Wolf and the Seven Lambs

Once upon a time...

In a forest far far away from human civilization, there lived a goat and her seven little lambs in a small little cottage. The seven little lambs were all so very adorable and cuddly.

Or so, their mother thought...


***

"OEI! You Fish! You knock into me also neh' say solli one arh?! Lim peh injured den you know arh!"

The voice of the eldest lamb hollered throughout the entire cottage.

"Mama! Lao Da is shouting again!" whined the second oldest, Lao Er. The rest of the lambs, Lao San all the way to Lao Qi, all clambered over each other to watch the "show". Wrestlings between the two eldest are always a very interesting affair to watch.

"Now now my dear children, enough cuddling with each other, Mama is now going to the market to buy food for all my dear little babies! Now kiss Mama goodbye~~~!"

The seven little lambs ignore her. "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

"Oh my dears, so engrossed in playing. My little babies are so adorable." Mama Goat sighed contently and went out of the house. "Oh before I forget, children don't open the door to any strangers okay?"

"Don't open the door? Then how do we know it is you?" Lao Qi, the only innocent one, answered her.

"Well, just remember this my dear children: Mama has a very sweet voice and white paws. If a stranger comes, check them. Now Mama has to go, goodbye my dear children, goodbye~~~ good bye~~~ goodb---"

Lao Da slammed the door in her face, "Wah lau eh, nobody at the door den why the door always open? Let the wind in, sibeh cold arh."

So the seven little lambs continue playing. Little did they know that a sinister monster loomed in the very forest they lived in.


***

The sinister lone wolf creep around the forest silently. His piercing eyes scouted the entire area, watching and waiting. All of a sudden, he feel down to the floor, shaking uncontrollably.

"Cough cough cough, oh woe is me." the wolf sighed. "Struck by diabetes in my adolescents, and now cancer as I reach andropause. Have you ever cross your path with a poor unfortunate soul as me?"

His ears twitched. Ah, the sounds of the little ones playing, childhood is indeed wonderful.

And delicious.


***

Time passed, and the little lambs grew hungrier. Suddenly, the door knocked banged rather.

"Who are you?" chorus the seven little lambs.

"It is I, your mother! I have come, and with me, your food arrives!" bellowed a deep gruff voice.

The little lambs guffawed.

"Buwhahaha, stupid lar, our Mama where got speak like a chao ang-mo one. Use your blan, use your blan!" the little lambs snickered.

"Huh?"

"What they meant was that our Mama has a very sweet voice." Lao Qi volunteered, trying to be kind, but failing terribly.


***

The next day, the wolf swallowed a cup of honey. "Arrgghh, my diabetes is killing me."

Bang Bang Bang!!!

"Who are you?" chorus the seven little lambs.

"It-- Ahem, cough, I mean. It is I, your mother! I have come, and with me, your food arrives!" sang a very sweet voice.

"Wau lau eh, why today this one sounds so gay? Hey, show us your paw, we wanna see how a Tranny's hand looks like!" the little lamb said.

The wolf put his paw at the window.

"EEEEEEE! Look, he nails, paint until like kanasai like dat!" the little lambs yelled in disgust.

"Huh?"

"What they meant was that our Mama has very white paws." Lao Qi tried to be kind, but failing once again in his translation.


***

The next day, the wolf not only swallowed a cup of honey, but dusted his paws with flour as well. "May all my allergies remained un-triggered."

Bang Bang Bang!!!

"Who are you?" chorus the seven little lambs.

"It is I, your mother! I have come, and with me, your food arrives!" sang a very sweet voice. "And here is your mother's lovely paw, waving at you through the window!"

The seven little lambs huddle together.

"Why everyday got this kind of weird weird people coming one arh?"
"You think we should open the door anot? Maybe really got food leh, I damn hungry sia!"
"I dunno wor, Mama says cannot open door for stranger leh, how arh?"
"Aiyah, here got seven of us, there only got one, you scared what?"
"Okay lor, den who open the door?"

Silence.

Lao Da straightened his shoulders. "Since I is the eldest hor, I should set an example."

He pushed Lao Er towards the door. "Nah, I choose you, you go open the door."

Lao Er protested, "Oei, not fair! Why always I tekan one? You go arrow Lao San or Lao Si lar."

Lao San and Lao Si backed away, "No, no! Lao Wu and Lao Liu always never kena this kind of thing, now their turn already!"

Lao Wu and Lao Liu looked away quickly, pretending not to notice.

Lao Da was getting impatient. "Someone faster go get the door lar! Wait the food cold liao how?"

Click.

The door was opening. Lao Qi has wandered over and opened it.


***

A blast of cold air washed all over them. They shivered in terror at the sight that unfolds before them. Tall, huge and ominous looking. The wolf staggered to his feet and towered over them, his eyes glowing with hunger.

"Wau piangz! We let a chee ko peh in the house! Save your chastity! Run!" the little lambs screamed as they ran for cover.

Alas! It was too late. Though the wolf may be old and a little odd in his taste, he was after all, still a big and monstrous predator. And the little lambs his prey.

In one big gulp, he swallowed them all.

Except the youngest one, who had been shoved behind the door when the wolf pushed it opened in his haste.

"Oh my, that was one of the most wondrous meal I ever had. I shall now find a spot in this place worthy of me to sleep and digest away."

The wolf left, leaving the youngest lamb shivering behind the door.


***

Soon, Mama Goat returned, only to find her precious children missing!

"My babies! My babies! Oh my poor babies! Where have you gone?" She wailed.

Lao Qi scrambled from behind the door and went bawling into her embrace. When Mama Goat realized what has happened, she howled in fury.

"What the 1#!@$#@%#!$@#%!#% the @#$!@#$ little @#%#@$ son of a @#$@#%@ piece of #$!@%@#^%# wolf!!!!!" She screamed. Taking her box of sewing kit, she drag Lao Qi out of the house, all the while swearing on revenge.

"How dare he! Lao niang hun le zhe mo jiu, duo mei you ren gan zhe mo dui wo! C*** B** lar!"

"Mama, what is C*** B**?" Lao Qi asked, very innocently.

"Errr... It, err, it means Chicken Good Bye!!!"


***

They set off and combed the forest for the wolf. Finally, they found him sleeping besides a river.

Fuming, Mama Goat bend over and cut opened the wolf's stomach, intending to mutilate his internal organs, but to her surprise and happiness, she found the rest of the six lambs alive and kicking (literally) inside his stomach!

Filled with joy, an idea came to her.

"Get me stones, all seven of you, and make it fast."


***

The wolf woke up with a yawn. Stretching his body, he attempted to stand up only to find himself falling to the floor, stomach first.

"My oh my, did the little lambs multiply?" laughing to himself at his little joke (he was a chee ko peh, no less), the wolf crawled his way slowly to the river to quench his thirst.

When he tried to bend forward, he fell back onto his bum instead. He tried again, only to fall back much harder.

At his third and last try, the wolf exert much of his strength in propelling himself forward.
But he realized that he was falling too far forward and tried to pull himself back.

But as we all know, momentum = mass x velocity.

And the rest, is history.


---The End---


Moral of the Story: Always finished your food and chew them before swallowing...